First Time Mothers Groups

This somewhat lengthy write-up will hopefully give you a sense of the Support Groups for Mothers, which I have offered for over 25 years. Before having my own children (Sasha 29 and Emma 24) I taught in a Community Mental Health Program at UC Berkeley and had been a Public Health Nurse in Boston. My own need for a support group led me to organize one and hire a facilitator. Since then, I have spun off over 500 First Time groups and also offer groups for mothers with older children and/or a new baby.

Most first time mothers say that isolation is one of the big challenges of caring for a newborn. Also, there are a million questions and emotions that only another new mother is in a position to share. Even parents with older babies forget the intensity of the first few months. I think that you will find the experience of meeting with other mothers of babies under about 4 months of age to be a magical and fun experience.

With a first baby, most woman are quite focused on preparing for the birth or adoption and it can be difficult to conceive of life with the baby. Once home with your baby, reread this letter and see if it appeals to you. Please call me as soon as you have delivered so that we can coordinate when you might like to try a first group.

First time mothers groups are organized geographically . I organize the groups (which is one of the most challenging parts of my work) and facilitate discussion and support for eight meetings. During the last session, we do a significant amount of planning so that the group is ready to meet on its own. Most groups continue for many years for discussion, but also for playgroups, exchange baby-sitting and friendship for women, children and families. Some of my groups are meeting 18 years later.

During the 8 weeks, we pretty predictably cover:

1. All the nitty gritties of infant care and development (sleeping, crying, feeding, sickness, immunization, stimulation, etc.)
2. Larger emotional issues including the total transformation of your lives and identity. We definitely talk about how to get anything else done, the surprises of how all consuming a baby can be and how mothers can get help and take care of their own needs as well as the baby's.
3. Whether or not to return to work, child care/ baby-sitter needs or the impact of being a full time mom, and the feelings involved in these decisions and leaving a baby
4. Relationships with partners, as well as grandparents or friends without children.
5. Identity, body image,sexuality, maternal emotions

Women usually begin between 2-3 weeks and 4-5 months postpartum . Many women wish they could come earlier, but on average begin at 4-8 weeks. Much depends on how one feels after delivery and on family visitors (hopefully caretakers, not visitors).

Groups are organized geographically and by age of baby, but do not separate women by whether they are returning to work in the outer world or planning to be at home for a longer period of time. This is partly because people are changing their decisions rapidly in this area and partly because I think it makes sense to meet families who live near you for long term friendship. All groups welcome women with somewhat more unique situations such as adoptive moms, premature babies, single or lesbian moms, twins, etc. Most of the women tend to be in their 30's and frequently 40's, are well educated. Often they have read widely and are quite confused by all the conflicting theories.

The groups meet late morning or afternoons in North Berkeley or Albany and the Lake Merritt Church on First Avenue. New groups are starting in San Francisco.

It is ideal to sign up before the baby is born, but then please call me after your baby is born, especially if you deliver or adopt earlier than the due date. I will mail directions for a first meeting.

At the end of the first meeting, if you are unsure about the 8 week commitment, I ask women to pay $35 and talk to me within one day. Women can certainly discontinue or try a different group. However I encourage women to try to remain open minded as most women feel quite disconnected from other adults while they are attuned to their babies and also very sleep deprived. Most women say it takes a few weeks to feel connected to women in the group. The total for the 8 weeks has been $280 which can be paid the first meeting, on installment or even months or years later. We can discuss the fee if money feels like the only barrier to joining a facilitated group.

Though some mothers are able to organize friends informally, some of the values of a facilitated group include:

1. An experienced facilitator and knowledgeable parent educator who keeps the group safe and accepting of a variety of parenting values and styles
2. A variety of resources including ideas, articles/books and referrals
3. Organization of the group which can be hard for new moms to accomplish
4. Larger number (9-10 women) so broader range of experiences
5. Financial commitment motivates women to attend and helps build a cohesive group. It is easy to stay home and become isolated as it can feel quite challenging to get out with the baby. Many women have been working in the outer world and want to create an expanded social life for themselves and their families. It is fun to care for a baby in the company of other women who are as fascinated by babies as you will be. The group provides intellectual stimulation, but in addition to the discussion time, groups organize regular outings and/or walks. Most groups organize social events with partners.

Please spread the word about this group in your childbirth class or exercise class or to mothers on the street. Many mothers wish they could find a group and often do not know where to look. It is quite an accomplishment to get to the first meeting and is not to be underestimated. Many women join the group to help them structure their lives . The group is a safe place to practice feeding and handling crying in public. (and all babies cry!!!)

One more note: my strongest philosophy is that there is no right way to parent. Each family is trying to figure out what works for their baby and themselves. No matter what you decide to do, someone will criticize you. My goal is to help you feel more confident in your choices and support you to enjoy and delight in your baby.

Referrals for other needs during pregnancy,postpartum or adoption are always available.

Other questions??? We can always talk by phone and I love e-mail.

E-mail: Info@SupportGroupForMothers.com

Ongoing Groups for Mothers with Older Children and/or New Baby

Mothers need support, comrades, information and problem solving to do the challenging work of parenting and family life, to keep it magical and inspiring and to maintain joy.

A committed group of women seeking to:

• Make time for themselves
• Identify and concentrate on issues of importance in their lives
• Support each other to clarify challenging areas in life and parenting
• Create new responses in their lives
• Receive and give support and perspective with other mothers
• Build friendships and community for themselves and their family
• Learn to take their own needs seriously and see the benefit to their children

Comments from mothers:
"The group is a real barometer for me, composed of women for whom I have the utmost respect. They help me get in touch with reality."

"Only time for me to sit down and relax and talk and get good feedback from people who listen and care. My partner is often too tired to listen and he is not female."

"When talk with other moms without a group, I feel wise and knowledgeable. They are isolated. I feel a better person for being in the group."

"A time that my partner can put both of the kids to bed once a week and I get a night off."

"Empathy in the group that one doesn't always get elsewhere or from family."

"Hearing what others in the group are going through gives me a glimpse into others lives and struggles. This give me perspective on my own stuff and I don't feel alone. Feel supported and gradually have felt more able to share myself."

"More confident of myself in a group setting which is something that was always hard for me as I am a shy person."

"Nice to feel that there is a place where people will sit and listen and care when I have difficult issues-a neutrality to the caring, not the investments of family and friends."

"Genuine feeling of community. I like everyone in the group. Not enough time in life for this kind of friendship where we sit around and talk like this."

"Lot of humor, but seriousness and depth of emotional support."

"Check in" on my life makes me feel heard and stops the whirlwind. I can sit down and be heard."

"Just to understand the variety of issues we all struggle with: spouses, kids, living in the Bay Area."

"Nice to talk in depth. In social situations, these things don't come up."

Description:
The Ongoing Groups meet weekly. They offer mothers the unique opportunity to receive and give support and engage in problem solving without the distractions and interruptions of their children. Many of us find that interactions at parks or in play groups, when we need to watch our children, leave us feeling fragmented, unfinished, less clear, even less confident. We also realize that many topics are best discussed away from the ears of children.

Ongoing Groups give us time to reflect on our many roles, recognize and balance the needs of family members, set our own goals, and examine issues in parenting, identity, and relationships. Some women refer to the groups as receiving "consultation and support from colleagues."

Ongoing Groups are eclectic in many ways. For example, some members work full-time as mothers, while others work either part-time or full-time in the outer world. All, however, wish there was another day in the week! While group members inevitably embrace different parenting styles, values, and life choices, mutual support remains our common goal.

Mothers generally join a group for several months or longer. Some start in a morning group but transfer to an evening group after their second or third baby becomes active and distracting. While each of Ongoing Groups has much in common, the character ultimately depends on its members. Many mothers today are seeking discussion that is more focused and thoughtful than our busy lifestyles generally allow. Some groups, however, value social activities more than others (one, for example, organizes a family camping trip each year). Most Ongoing Groups enjoy getting together for dinner or a casual meeting when Sherry is away. Also, play groups emerge as an adjunct to almost every group.

Women are sometimes surprised by the challenge of finding a stable mothers group and actually making it to the meetings so they can get the support they need. In my experience, groups without facilitators tend to be short-lived. Over time, I have learned that asking for a monthly commitment to the group-both financial and emotional promotes regular attendance. The fee is $35/session or $140 paid monthly for 4 sessions. (If there is a holiday or I am away, it is less.) Evening groups also require the support and commitment of partners or others who will have the pleasure of an evening with the children and taking care of the bedtime routines. In the end, the joint effort pays off. Many mothers breathe a sigh of relief to have the evening off. Partners, meanwhile, become increasingly proficient and often look forward to special time alone with the kids.

The guiding philosophy in the Ongoing Groups is that there is no one right answer. We attempt to look at each issue in terms of why it is (or sometimes is not) a problem. In the process, we consider the mix and match of child and parent temperaments, family values and needs, the perspectives of parenting and child development professionals, and, without fail, the experiences of the mothers in the group. I definitely encourage women to ask for what they need. At one moment, we may simply need to vent. Another moment, we may want to hear what happens in other families and perhaps collect a few ideas of how to parent at a certain stage or find out how other mothers have solved a particular parenting problem. We frequently talk about relationships and the need for nurturing all the dyads within the family. We also discuss communication, respect, and how difficult it can be to act our "ideal" self. Our group commitment is to respect different values and choices, to listen respectfully, to be honest about our own beliefs, but not press them upon others. Confidentiality is an agreement in all of my groups.

Each week, women check-in briefly and create an agenda which may involve support to a specific individual, group discussion of a larger issue, or both. Typically, mothers are eager to discuss parenting and family issues, but women are free to initiate discussion of "non-maternal" issues in their lives as well.

The following is a brief overview of the types of topics that we have discussed in ongoing groups. They are not presented in any order of emphasis and this is not a comprehensive list.

__ Feelings About an Older Child after a new baby
__ Sibling Issues
__ Older childrens reactions to a new baby
__ Aggression and children
__ Relationship with partner
__ Spending money- values; fun without spending
__ Choosing a Kindergarten and anxieties about these decisions
__ Sexuality and children touching each other
__ Women and work- economic needs of the family
__ Anger
__ Managing child care providers
__ Partners' work and pressures
__ Limit setting
__ Feeling connected
__ Allowances
__ Depression
__ Parent - teacher conferences
__ Birthday celebrations
__ Moving
__ Aging and peri-menopausal issues
__ Parent's illness
__ Defiance
__ Job stress
__ Death
__ Holidays and sadness
__ Attraction to other people
__ Sisters and relationships
__ Exercise, weight, body image
__ Summer plans--camps, family vacations, etc.
__ Friendships
__ Discontent with children
__ Children's grooming
__ Getting help- asking for help
__ Food and eating
__ Sickness and children
__ Taking care of self
__ Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted
__ How we were parented
__ Future pregnancy or secondary infertility
__ Anger and resentment
__ Sleeping and nursing of children
__ Fears and anxieties in children
__ Sleep
__ Toilet Training
__ All parenting concerns

Some areas that the group can not handle and for which I will offer referral are:
__ Couple, child or family therapy
__ Legal issues
__ Drug and/or alcohol problems
__ Violence or abuse with spouse or children
__ Deeper psychotherapy for past traumas
__ Assistance in further evaluation-depression, anxiety, anger...
__ In depth evaluation of a child's temperament or behavioral issues

-The group is a real barometer for me, composed of women for whom I have the utmost respect. They help me get in touch with reality.

-Only time for me to sit down and relax and talk and get good feedback from people who listen and care. My partner is often too tired to listen and he is not female.

-When talk with other moms without a group, I feel wise and knowledgeable. They are isolated. I feel a better person for being in the group.

-A time that my partner can put both of the kids to bed once a week and I get a night off.

-Empathy in the group that one doesn’t always get elsewhere or from family.

-Have time to get input and feedback and good ideas.

-Others issues are helpful.

-Hearing what others in the group are going through gives me a glimpse into others lives and struggles. This give me perspective on my own stuff and I don’t feel alone. Feel supported and gradually have felt more able to share myself.

-More confident of myself in a group setting which is something that was always hard for me as I am a shy person.

-Nice to feel that there is a place where people will sit and listen and care when I have difficult issues-a neutrality to the caring, not the investments of family and friends.

-Genuine feeling of community. I like everyone in the group. Not enough time in life for this kind of friendship where we sit around and talk like this.

-Being heard, hearing others; woman's point of view; having some where to dump emotions if I am a basket case and not able to vent with partner-knowing it won’t impact people so much as at home.

2003 Comments from a group that meets two times a month
( an Ongoing Group For Second/Third Time Mothers)

-Validation- women really get it. The others could finish my sentences. I leave and feel rejuvenated, even if it was a very intense session.

-Consistency of people.

-Lot of humor, but seriousness and depth of emotional support.

-Hearing other stories-I relate to them all.

-”Check in” on my life makes me feel heard and stops the whirlwind. I can sit down and be heard.

-Just to understand the variety of issues we all struggle with: spouses, kids, living in the Bay Area.

-Nice group of women, a sense of belonging, happy to get out and have a respite.

- I like the women, like a place to go where I’m with people in a similar life stage, being part of a peer group. At work, people are much younger.

-Helped me navigate these waters where I flailed for years: wanting a balanced, joyful, peaceful existence.

-Perspective-hear others stories which are similar, enjoy different personalities and differences.

-Nice to talk in depth. In social situations, these things don’t come up.

Thanks for your interest! If you have any questions, I would be happy to talk further with you about Ongoing Groups for women who are mothers.

E-mail: Info@SupportGroupForMothers.com

Individual Consultations

Who uses Individual Sessions??

l. Any parent who feels stuck and would like some resources or perspectives on family life and parenting.

2. Mothers who have been or are presently in Sherry's groups. Sometimes women would like an extra hour to discuss some concerns that are not sufficiently covered in the group meetings. Sometimes, women like to check in for a single or a monthly consultation after the groups spin off to meet on their own.

3. Any mother who had not done a group because of time or inclination and would like to talk about identity, parenting babies or young children.

E-mail: Info@SupportGroupForMothers.com